and after I had spent all of Monday defending Kiri’s honor while abusing Miguel Seabra because he had seemingly pulled this random ass story out of thin air.  So sorry for hating, Mr Seabra and have a free pass to brush the dirt off your shoulder…

Okay that being said, allow me to get something off my chest.  First Lucie/Tomas, Herman Cain/Mrs Cain, and now Igor and Maria????!?!??!  I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU.  Let’s be real, judging from how Tomas has this new trick and how Lucie’s dude looks like he hunts his own meat and eats it raw seasoned with shards of broken glass and my dreams and now this????  I’m too old for this. Can we also just address Igor who’s probably curled up in bed, flipping through old photo albums, eating black walnut haagen daaz, blasting Drake while Maria prances around town with his balls in her purse ….

….I don’t really care if you’re “happy” because I’m invested GODDAMNIT…

And Maria….girl Maria…….how the fuck am I supposed to solve this problem

OVECHKIN.  Really????  I say this as someone who LIKES this guy, but what the fuck are you thinking???  But I’m not judging okay…. Allow me to make a list of pros and cons.

Pros:
+ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ (Ovechkin is currently under a 13-year $124 million contract with the Washington Capitals and that’s just BASE PAY.  He also has endorsement deals with Nike, Bauer, etc.)
+ Prestige.  No offense to Igor, but it’s not like paparazzi were breaking down his door for a glimpse of the World No 115….Ovechkin is basically a well liked Andy Murray in Russia…
+ He will never bore you:

+ He is a pretty nice guy

Cons:
- Your future progeny will have the highest dentist bills known to mankind
- 
- My sneaking suspicion that Ovie can’t actually read…..
- Another kinship with Andy: http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy/post/Video-Ovechkin-on-sex-before-games-Russian-vs-?urn=nhl-180437 …..which makes me wonder what’s going to happen when they will most likely not be together for 80% of the year….

- This extremely flattering interview: http://www.gq.com/sports/profiles/201011/alexander-ovechkin-nhl-washington-capitals#ixzz1fEFiukiw

The pyramid was Ovie’s idea. It is a cheesy joint, decorated with ankhs and hieroglyphics, that functions as a dance club after dark. It’s been here forever, which in Moscow’s case means since the 1990s, and it reeks of the era: a quick and dirty mock-up of Western excess not quite gotten right. “I used to go to this place a lot when I played for Russia,” explains Ovechkin. “I would spend whole days here. I used to date this girl then…. See, they have these sofas on the second floor. So I used to take her up to those sofas, you know?”

…

“There’s some quality action at Soho Rooms, real high quality,” he says when we start talking clubs. “You should go pick up some telochki.” The word literally means “calves” and semantically falls somewhere between “chicks” and “bitches.” “Especially if you’ve got your own table. Just go up to the girls, say, ‘I’ve got a table,’ and they’ll hop right along.”

I do that smug thing married guys do, where you stick out your hand and use the thumb to wiggle the wedding ring on the ring finger.

“Aw, come on, who’s gonna see?” pushes Ovechkin.

…

The conversation ends abruptly. Ovechkin’s dangerous-looking friend Magomet, whom Alex has been texting throughout our talk (he texts nonstop, with prodigious -smileys), has rolled up in an Audi SUV painted a scabrous matte black. For a while, we cruise down Tverskaya. Each time he sees a pretty girl walking by, Ovechkin shouts “BOOM!” at the top of his lungs.

…

Ovie can’t help himself. He shows up with two very young telochki, Lera and Olesya, that he’s picked up at Soho Rooms. They’re dressed like snow bunnies and have clearly had at least some skating classes between them. A stray thought visits me that Ovie has brought one of them to keep me company, but before I can figure out which one, it becomes rather obvious he’s planning to keep both. Dressed in all white, complete with a white cap, he whooshes down the slushy ice—spraying a frozen margarita’s worth on each dramatic stop—twirls, parodies figure-skating moves (impressively), snaps souvenir photos, rolls video, and takes turns making out with Lera while Olesya documents the proceedings and making out with Olesya while Lera does the documenting.

- dude’s track record isn’t exactly the best with women….there was that one girl he met over the internet, brought to DC then dumped a few weeks later, the various Russian models and actresses, and of course, the random booty calls in various cities….

- that one time he set the women’s rights movement back 50 years:

“When I find a wife, of course I’m gonna live with her, but now who gonna cook, who gonna clean my stuff?  I’m not.”

- http://video.nhl.com/videocenter/console?id=88735

Yesterday I covered Roger Federer stans.  Today, I cover a similar beast:

Rafael Nadal Stans
Unlike Federer stan-dom, Nadal stan-dom has only steadily increased throughout the years.  After Nadal’s first Roland Garros win in 2005, he has only surpassed the expectations set for him — this overachieving has led to delusions of grandeur in his stans’ eyes.

Nadal stans can generally be separated into two categories: Spartans and Phantoms.

“Spartans” are aggressively in-your-face stans, who incessantly bring up Rafa’s winning head to heads against certain top players, his clay court record, and career golden slam.  They treat every Nadal victory on clay like a 6-0, 6-0 drubbing, using language like “[x] bent over and took it from Spartan Warrior RAFA today!!!!”.  Spartans take their name from constantly describing Nadal as a “Spartan” on clay, mostly because of his body-crippling style of play and warrior-like attitude on court.  Most Spartans amass thousands of posts in a year’s time.

The quintessential example of the "Spartan." Mungo also exemplifies the Federer reverse stan.

“Phantoms” are Nadal stans (often fangirls) who suffer from a Couvade-like syndrome, taking on some of Nadal’s own characteristics.  These include:

• False modesty to the extreme, often depicting Rafa as the underdog, no matter what the circumstances.  Instances include: every Roland Garros final against Federer ever, who is clearly the favorite if he plays his best
• Often using injuries to excuse losses or inferring injuries as a reason for being down to an opponent
• Severe belief in superstition, especially “jinxes”
• A tenuous grasp of the English language

The "Phantom."

Regardless of category, Nadal stans heavily invest in the future, often making statements like “At this rate, Rafa will win 25 slams!!!”, “Rafa is the GOAT and will surpass Federer’s slams, NID!!”, and “I don’t see anyone beating Rafa ever!!!!”.  Generally, Nadal stans lack basic math skills and common sense, which allows them to make any number of absurd statements; they also abuse established rules of punctuation and syntax.  Stans worship Nadal like a deity and inappropriately use the words “God,” “religion,” “Saint,” “hero,” “epic,” “perfect,” and “Jesus.”  This devotion blinds Nadal stans to any criticism of Nadal’s time wasting, suspect injury timeouts, and illegal coaching.

Nadal stans are also unique in that they have the special power to project their own fantasies onto Nadal because of his general lack of a personality.  This leads them to make inferences like:

• “Rafa shops at Asda?????? I shop at Asda!!!!! He’s just like us!!!!!!”
• “Rafa likes chocolate????? I like chocolate!!!! He’s just like us!!!!!!”
• “Rafa and Novak hugged once at net, they are best friends!!!!!!!!!!”
• “Rafa bites his trophies, he is so quirky, fun, and cute!!!!!!!!!!!”
• “RAFA SHOOK HANDS WITH FEDERROR AT NET HE SO HUMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Any attempts to puncture this image of Rafa they’ve created in their minds are met with staunch resistance.  See: Lynn Barber.

Note the use of personal attacks - the classic weapon of the Nadal stan.

"she should stick her questions up her ass and beg for an autograph"

Ultimately, Nadal stans can be most accurately described as a herd of sheep, unable to critically think for themselves with only a repertoire of monosyllable words in their vocabulary.  The cultish worship of Nadal makes his Spartan stans extremely dangerous as they will become disproportionately aggressive and make threats on behalf of their hero.  Phantom stans are not dangerous, only annoying: they are easily distracted by shiny objects and pictures of Nadal.

The natural enemy of the Nadal stan is the Federer stan.  However, while their hatred for Federer stans still burns fiercely, Nadal stans have shifted their focus to other opponents since the Federer-Nadal Head to Head is irredeemably in Nadal’s favor and has thus sealed Nadal’s supremacy as GOAT.  Nadal stans used to enjoy a camaraderie with Djokovic stans over their mutual hatred of Federer, but Djokovic’s recent wins over Nadal on his best surface have embarrassed Nadal stans and this relationship has become strained.  Some Nadal stans have stooped so low as to cheer for Federer.

Most of the mainstream media currently stans for Nadal although the tides are shifting.

Self assessment

Below are some examples from the Nadal stan-base.  Can YOU determine which particular symptoms these Nadal stans are suffering from?  (See answer key below.)

1.

2.

3.

Answers:
1. Start da game is suffering from: a) blaspheming, in particular not comprehending the appropriate use of the word “God” b) moderately belligerent response to potential critics with “blind breed” c) potential Federer reverse stanning

2. careergrandslam is suffering from: a) delusion, compounded by a lack of common sense b) blaspheming, inability to understand meaning of words “religion” and “God” c) fantasy projection

3. Rafa is the GOAT is suffering from: a) delusions of grandeur, compounded by a lack of math skills b) heavy investment in future Nadal results c) hero worship

Firstly, what is a ‘stan’?  (No, it’s not someone who abandons their wife and newborn child.)

The first two definitions from UrbanDictionary offer the following:

1. Stan
Based on the central character in the Eminem song of the same name, a “stan” is an overzealous maniacal fan for any celebrity or athlete.

A typical Kobe Bryant Stan would say something like:
“Kobe Bryant scored 81 points last night.  Kobe could beat God himself in a game of 1 on 1 hoops. To hell with Michael Jordan or Wilt Chamberlain, they aren’t on Kobe’s level!”

2. stan

an overobsessed fan to the point of following a star around.

It is formed from the words stalker and fan.

Stalker + fan = stan.

I’m trying to watch a Amerie video and all of these Beyonce stans keep saying “Amerie sucks, Beyonce’s better.”

*Sidenote 1: At this point, I’d like to clarify between the usage of “fangirl” and stan.  Fangirls are a subgroup of stans, often characterized by their devotion to male players on the basis of looks alone, with little knowledge of the game itself.  Often, fangirls are so offputting, they inspire a fierce backlash against the object of their devotion.  In rare cases, the “stanbase” for a player can be comprised almost entirely of fangirls.  For examples, please see: Marat Safin and Ernests Gulbis.

*Sidenote 2: Another interesting subset of the main stan group is “reverse stans.”  These stans are dedicated to hating specific players and often go out of their way to watch matches and read interviews with the player they hate.  Reverse stanning is often triggered by “pigeoning” (a number of successive losses to a particular player) or the perceived threat another player poses.  Stanning and reverse stanning are not mutually exclusive; for example, Rafael Nadal stans are usually also Roger Federer reverse stans.

So, now that we know what a stan is, where do we find them?  An ATP stan’s natural habitat is the wild — mainly, MensTennisForums.  While stans can also be found at Tennis-Warehouse forums, Twitter (large numbers of fangirls breed here), as well as the forums for players’ official websites, MTF is the elite of stanning, the Holy Grail, if you will.  There, we often find the most intense, diverse, and delusional ATP stans, who devote hundreds of hours per week defending a player who literally has no idea they exist.

ATP Stan Categories:

Roger Federer Stans
Federer stans are a curious group, with their number intensely fluctuating with Federer’s results.  Peak numbers were observed during the 2005-2007 years; however, they have steadily declined since, with many disappearing or converting to stans of more “successful” players.  Occasionally, stan numbers will abruptly resurge, as recently seen with Federer’s recent win over Novak Djokovic; however, these numbers quickly decreased to their normal size after Federer’s subsequent loss to Nadal.

The remaining Federer stans are generally literate with a good understanding of the game, in contrast to many other stan groups.  Many Federer stans are older (in tennis years), have been around since the last generation, and enjoy watching the current Nadal-Djokovic stan wars unfold.  However, they do have one weakness: GOATs.  Federer stans are extremely sensitive to any mention of the “GOAT” and will feverishly defend his GOAT status, using phrases like “skewed Head to Head,” “16 Grand Slams,” and “ballet tennis.”  Commentators like Mats Wilander and John McEnroe have incurred Federer stans’ eternal hatred for their incessant praise of Rafael Nadal and questioning of Federer’s greatness.  Above all, Federer stans are threatened by Rafael Nadal and as such, have formed unsteady alliances with Andy Murray and Novak Djokovic stans.  In extreme cases, some stans may actually root against Federer, to accomplish a greater good of another player defeating Rafael Nadal and preserving Federer’s legacy.

Conversely, Federer stans react with pity or cool supremacy to the endangered number of Andy Roddick stans, probably because 20-2 speaks for itself.

The media used to contain huge numbers of Federer stans, but as both Novak Djokovic and Rafael Nadal have entered their prime, they have accordingly switched their allegiances.  See also: bandwagoning.

A stalwart Federer stan expressing frustration after Federer's 485973th loss to Nadal.

A former Federer Stan driven to conversion.

Federer Reverse Stans
Federer reverse stans will try and criticize Roger Federer for no reason and often the most insignificant of details.  Federer’s peak years were dark times for reverse stans, who often resorted to picking on Mirka, Federer’s wife, to make themselves feel good.  Today, common criticisms include: “arrogant!”, “robot,” “drama/fashion queen,” “queen,” “attention whore,” “cry baby,” and, if all else fails, “Mirka is ____.”  Recently, Federer’s reverse stans have turned their attention to other players, since Federer is no longer humiliating their favorites on a regular basis.

Infamous Reverse Stan incidents: Federer-Nadal 1-dimensional, Federer-Djokovic be quiet, Federer-Nadal 2009 Australian Open tears, Federer at every Wimbledon, Federer-Roddick “15.”

(Murray's got other problems.)

Continue on to Part II >

And with that being said, I’d like to critically think about this for a second.  Why do we care so much about these trivial matters??  Shouldn’t we be focused on other results, like the fact that Vika is injured yet again or that Richie has now taken out two of my favorite players (-__-) or that Novak is terrifying me or that I might just kill Roger Federer???  Isn’t there real news to report rather than these sensationalized stories that serve no other purpose than to stir up controversy (and a false sense of indignation for some)?  Isn’t this the problem with the media, which I very generously seem to be including myself in????  Come on, people, let’s just get back to the game.*

Oh yeah, and here are some cool gifs I made that have nothing at all to do with the topic at hand.  Because this is a legitimate, unbiased news source!!!!!!

*(ahahahahahahahaha just kidding.  Did you all like how I just punked you there?)

But hey, I’ll take any motherfucker’s** money if he’s giving it away!***  (Oh shit, was I not supposed to swear?  There I go again.  Hopefully this doesn’t make me any less of a tennis blogger professional, as you can tell from my very neutral blog name.)

So anyways, remember this awesome post where we basically saw that my blog was so unpopular, I couldn’t even give awesome stuff away.  It really might have been the saddest post in the planet.  But, I’m back for more because the humiliation the first time just wasn’t enough!  I think it’s the Federer in me.

Thanks to the awesome 2K Sports, they’ve sent me a copy of the new Top Spin 4 for Wii!!  (Yes, the 2K Sports of that Serena Williams commercial.  You can thank them later.)  I realize the release of TS4 was like….a month ago….but yeah, this blog sucks at being timely.  I’m surprised I can even read a clock sometimes.

The basics of the game:

*If I had realized that not expending any effort whatsoever was the way to the good life, would have started doing nothing years ago.
** Used affectionately.
***Special props to whoever gets this reference.

Andy Murray in a nutshell. (Also, one of the first results when one types "andy murray boring" into Google.)

Salutations, readers!  I meant to write this before the Australian Open Mens’ Final, so it’d be a proper prelude, but…I got lazy.  Forgive me.  Anyways, let’s get to the business — mainly, Andy Murray being awkward (aka it’s a day that ends in -y).

During the Australian Open, Mandy wrote a few diary entries for local paper, The Australian, and also participated in a Q&A for Adelaide Now. Basically, he tried to pull a Rafa/The Times.

Andy’s First Entry:

Painful loss to Roger my toughest lesson
Andy Murray | The Australian | January 17, 2011

Career highlight?
Winning my first tournament on the ATP Tour in San Jose when I was 18. It was a special moment and I remember it clearly, beating Lleyton Hewitt in the final.If your house was burning down, what one possession would you save?
I’ll have to have two — my girlfriend and my dog. One over each shoulder.

Last film you saw?
Get Him to the Greek. It’s pretty average.Last book you read?
Would have to be a boxing magazine. I read them pretty regularly.

Favourite pre-match meal?
Pasta and tomato sauce.

Can you cook? Best dish ?
Anything you pour out of a jar on to pasta. While I’m away we tend to eat at restaurants rather than cook. Favourite spots tend to be Italian and sushi restaurants. I can eat unlimited amounts of spicy tuna!

Your favourite holiday destination?
The Bahamas are great. I love Miami too.

Worst. Secret. Ever. That’s like saying Saddam Hussein was a tyrant is a secret. Or that Jamie is Judy’s favorite is a secret.

Well, that’s that.  The most boring series of interviews/diary entries the world has ever seen.   Actually, now that I think on it, it was probably a good idea for me to post this after the final as I’m pretty sure you all would have definitely rooted against him…I feel so resentful right now….

Man, I can't believe he stole my outfit idea. Well, which one of us is going to change?

Well, hello.  The Australian Open is finally upon us!  You know, after that extremely protracted month-long wait.  For those of us who live in the western hemisphere, this time of year is generally categorized by either a) extremely irregular sleep patterns in which health is put on the backburner or b) going to bed and waking to particularly epic (Nalby def. Hewitt) or particularly sad (Clijsters def. Safina) scorelines that a silly thing known as sleep deprived us of.

What else is the Australian Open known for?  Alcohol, ethnic violence, and apparently, reporters being creeps:

‘Stalker’ quizzes Sharapova at Aussie Open
(AFP) – 3 days ago

MELBOURNE — Russian ace Maria Sharapova [ed. note: it's not 1980, please find a new way to describe tennis players] accused a New Zealand journalist of “stalking” her after he asked if she spent time with Anna Kournikova and frequented a club for “hot Russians”.

“You’re the guy from New Zealand, huh?” Sharapova said, when she recognised the male journalist from this month’s Auckland Classic. “Oh God, you’re stalking me!”

“It’s not stalking if you love someone,” the journalist said jokingly, to which Sharapova replied: “It can be slightly, trust me.”

The 23-year-old also fended off the reporter’s next question, asking whether there was a “hot Russians club where you get together”.

“No. I didn’t know I was part of it. But no,” she said.

I don’t know if Sharapova is just, like, NEW to the idea of press, but generally the same reporters do tend to show up at the same tournaments TO COVER THEM.  You know, because sending like 20 different reporters to 20 different tournaments may just be a little impractical.   On that note, if a journalist doing their job is considered stalking, why hasn’t Matt Cronin been ejected from every tournament ever?  Dude doesn’t even do his job.

Actually, I bash her, but the truth is I’m pretty proud of her.  She’s finally silenced all those critics who’ve called her aloof and cold by totally showing them that she remembers the LITTLE PEOPLE.  I mean, okay, never mind this guy is a journalist who’s known for working with players during the Auckland tournament and who has probably been to the Australian Open press conferences dozens of times.  BYGONES.  She is super down to earth and we should all just be grateful that she even bothered to remember this guy.  As Jenna Maroney so aptly puts it, “The four most vicious words you can say to a person you already met [are] ‘Nice to meet you.’”  Sure, the five most vicious words after that are probably, “Oh God, you’re stalking me!”  but whatever, baby steps.

While we’re on the topic of reporters being weird, here’s a little gem from Roger Federer’s press conference after his first round win over Lukas Lacko:

Q. How are the twins?

ROGER FEDERER: The twins are good. Thanks for asking.

Q. Are they showing any signs of good hand eye coordination at this stage?

ROGER FEDERER: I don’t know. Ask me next year when they’re a year older. Right now, they’re not playing that much with tennis racquets and stuff yet. They’re still a bit too young.

Hey, so I know that it’s sometimes hard to differentiate a professional question and answer session about a recently finished match from, say, afternoon tea with the girls from Sex and the City, but here’s a hint: if other people are asking questions about the ACTUAL MATCH maybe your questions about the Federer twins may just be slightly inappropriate.

And man, if I was Lukas Lacko, this would be my cue to start binge eating.  I mean, you finally get a chance to play Roger Federer and try to put up a respectable showing against the guy but you get deemed so insignificant that reporters would rather ask questions about the guy’s one year old twins?!  They don’t even have full mastery of their own bowel movements!  At least you can generally control yours (okay, except for that one time in the second set when a little pee may have come out).

Here’s another classic q, probably from the same reporter, who, I’m assuming, was probably too busy learning how to tie his shoes than to actually bother watching the match:

Q. The YouTube video where you hit the bottle off the guy’s head, is that real?

ROGER FEDERER: Yeah, I did it twice, that’s why I wanted to make sure people knew it was real. A bit of help there, but… (smiling.)

Q. You’ve never done it before and got someone in the face?

ROGER FEDERER: Well, we couldn’t show those clips (smiling). Yeah, that’s about it. That’s all I’m going to say (laughter). Can’t say more.

Oh my God, I hate you and you can get out of my face.

—

To cleanse our palate from these completely asinine questions, here’s our daily Andy Murray Moment:

[from Roger Federer's 2010 Australian Open final press conference]
Q. Can you understand why Andy got emotional at the end? You’ve been through that yourself. You say it’s hard to win the first one. Can you appreciate why he felt as deflated as he did at the end?

…I don’t know if you ever heard me say, but the US Open is very loud, so you don’t maybe start thinking too much of, how did I play, am I disappointed. Here in Australia or Wimbledon, it’s very different. It’s very quiet. It’s very respectful. Standing ovation. It builds up in you as the trophy ceremony goes by.

I thought he was actually doing fine until he told me, I think there will be some tears. I’m like, Don’t worry, it will be all right. And he actually did…

LOLOLOLOLOL.  HE KNEW THE TEARS WERE COMING.  Probably from years of experience:

[during Marley & Me]:
Andy: Kim, I just want to warn you….I think there might be some tears.

[when the waiter at Nobu got his order wrong]
Andy: TAKE THIS BACK TO THE CHEF, OTHERWISE THERE ARE GOING TO BE TEARS!!!

[when he lost his Nintendo DS]
Andy: Mommmmm, I can’t go to Australia without my Nintendo!!
Judy: Andy, we can just buy you a new Nintendo.
Andy: BUT I WANT THAT ONE.  I had finally collected the 16th badge to try and beat Pokemon Trainer Red!!! IF I CAN’T FIND MY NINTENDO, I’M GOING TO CRY

But I think the best part of this is the incredulous tone in what Federer says:

“I’m like, Don’t worry it will be all right because I didn’t think he would really cry but then…….he actually did……and I wanted to kill myself….I’m never doing that to Rafa again….”

Blue steel

And by “carefree,” I mean “grudgeholding” and by “gentleman” I mean “diva.”

During the WTF, Tomas gave this presser:

Tomas Berdych said that he voted for Rafael Nadal over Roger Federer for the ATP Sportsman of the Year award due to what he thought were the Swiss’ negative comments about his upset of Federer at Wimbledon.

“I was trying to just decide between two names, him and Roger,” he said. “I just decide to go for Rafa. I think he really deserves it. Just was a little bit disappointing after what I read in London, when I play against Roger and beat him. He was a little bit complaining about how he was injured and stuff like that. It was just kind of surprise for me. So maybe that was just the reason I vote for Rafa.”  –  TENNIS.com

Wow.  And that’s only because Federer was being whiny and talked some sore loser immediately after the match.  Can you imagine if someone actually did something to Tomas?  Like, something to his face that he didn’t have to read about?  Tomas is totally that dude in your workplace who labels all his tupperware with his initials in sharpie then hides in the breakroom just waiting for you to touch his guláš.  (That’s Czech food, you pervert!)

Me: Lunchtime!  So hungry…Hmmm, what is this tupperware?  T.B.?  It’s in front of my food, let me just move it out of the way…
Tomas: WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING MY GULAS!?
Me: Oh hey, Tomas.  Whoa, didn’t see you there…I was just moving it to get –
Tomas: Spare me, I KNOW WHY YOU WERE TOUCHING MY GULAS.  YOU WERE GOING TO EAT IT.
Me: No, Tomas, I swear I wasn’t, I was only moving it to get to my –
Tomas: YOU WERE GOING TO EAT THE GULAS THAT MY MOTHER STAYED UP ALL NIGHT MAKING SO THAT I COULD ENJOY IT TODAY AFTER A HARD HALF DAY’S WORK.
Me: What??  I swear, I wasn’t going to eat it!  …Dude, your mom makes your lunch?
Tomas: Oh, so Mama’s gulas isn’t good enough for you?!  Yeah, I can really see a five star meal in that grease filled paper bag of yours.
Me: I WAS HUNGRY AND MCDONALD’S WAS THE ONLY OPTION.  Look, I don’t even know what gulas is and I would never eat your food!
Tomas:  So you’re too good for my food, is that it??  You’re too good for gulas?!?!  Let me tell you something about the ancient and beautiful history of gulas.  In the olden times –
Me: No!!! I’m not too good for gulas!
Tomas: Oh, so you WERE taking my food?!
Me: WHAT?!?!  Where are you getting these WORDS?!??!
Tomas: You make me sick.  First you try to eat my food, then you insult my mother and my culture.  I won’t forget this.
Me: WHAT?!

[5 months later]

Tomas: Hmmm…two names here for employee of the month.  Oh, what’s that?  Looks like Miss Gulas-stealer is on the list.  Welllll, someone’s not getting any bonus this year…or EVER….

Man, what are the odds Tomas has some kind of voodoo doll collection of everyone who’s ever wronged him?  This may explain why Jo-Wili Tsonga is ALWAYS INJURED.

Dude, what if Lucie breaks up with him?  She better get ready for a shitload of increasingly disturbed messages left on her answering machine and a significantly lighter underwear drawer

[Message 1] So hey, Lucie, it’s Tomas, haha.  So, I just wanted to call you and see how you were doing, maybe we could go out, grab some coffee and just talk about things?  Let me know.
[Message 2] Lucie, hey, so I don’t know if you got my last message because I still haven’t heard from you, but just call me back.
[Message 3] Hey Lucie, is your answering machine still working?  Haha, I’ll be waiting by the phone…
[Message 4] So, I just drove by your house and I saw the lights were on…are you at home?  Why aren’t you picking up the phone?
[Message 5] Lucie, I saw you leave the gym today and I called your name, but you were walking too fast and I couldn’t catch up, please call me back, we need to talk!!
[Message 6] Hehe Lucie I loooveee youuuu pleaseee call meeee why did youuu leaveeeeee everyoneeee leavessss meeee
[Message 7] Lucie!!  Help, I’ve fallen and can’t get up!!  Please come, you’re the only person I can call…!!
[Message 8] Okay, Lucie, so I know that you were kind of pissed about coming over and my leg wasn’t really broken, but I needed to see you and you weren’t returning my calls…I know we still have something, I felt it when you slapped me across the face…I’m coming over…
[Message 9] Hey, so I just wanted to say I’m sorry about coming over last night, but I didn’t know about the restraining order, honest…speaking of which, can we talk about that, I’m not going to hurt you Lucie, I just want to be with you….if I can’t have you no one can….
[The number you have tried to reach is not in service.]

It’s always the hot ones….

Now, I know, some of you readers may be alarmed at this early morning title.  ROBIN SODERLING BEAT ME UP?  ROBIN SODERLING?!?!  The guy’s name is Robin, for Christ’s sake, a name shared by a spandex wearing sidekick, a boy with a honey addicted bear friend who’s clearly suffering memory loss as a result of his “problems,” and a thief stealing from the rich to give to the poor.  The name doesn’t exactly scream hood.  But.  Don’t let the name fool you.  Don’t let the name, or the dimples, or the “yoking” lull you into a false sense of security because Robin Soderling is the nastiest skank bitch I have ever met.  Do not trust him.  He is a fugly slut!

Is this a personal vendetta because Robin Soderling blocked me on twitter for making constructive comments on his choice of protective eyewear?  No.  How dare you accuse me of such a thing.  I would NEVER, EVER, stoop so low as to begrudge someone for blocking me on twitter EVEN THOUGH THEY DIDN’T EVEN BLOCK DYLAN0024, TENNIS’S MOST NOTORIOUS ABUSER, AND REPLIED TO HIM.  NO SANE PERSON WOULD THINK MY MEASLY COMMENT ON HIS INTERESTING CHOICE OF SUNGLASSES WAS WORSE THAN A RACIST, SEXIST, GAMBLING ADDICT’S COMMENTS.  Whatever.  My therapist and I are working on it.

Two things convince me that Robin Soderling is indeed evil:
1) RoBIN SoDerINg.  Kind of like Osama BIN LaDIN.  Coincidence?  The odds say no.
2) The following video:

Let me give you the play by play.

First set: Soderling loses dignity, 6-1.
Second set: Soderling gets broken.  Rafa is serving at 2-0, 30-30 when a ball of his is called out.  Being on the clay, Mr. Soderling decides to help the chair ump out and takes some creative liberties with exactly where the ball landed….Commentators lol, Rafa gets pissed, Soderling gets bageled.  All the kids at home turn off their TVs, realizing that cheaters never prosper, good always wins over evil, etc.  Lesson learned.

Weeellll, except for the fact that Soderling comes back to defeat Rafa in the French, has a cute moment where he has difficulties pronouncing the word “joking” and suddenly becomes some kind of fan favorite, also blocking me from twitter.  WILL NO ONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!

New parable:

Cheaters never prosper…wellll, except they do as long as they have dimples and a speech impediment and oh hey, they also make exorbitant amounts of money hitting a little round yellow ball….but DON’T CHEAT, KIDS.  BECAUSE YOU WILL GET PREGNANT AND DIE.

Yes, what’s at stake here is the morality of our children.  OUR CHILDREN.  And if we don’t have children, what do we have?  Much needed population control.  Ha ha, I kid, I kid.  But seriously, CHILDREN.  If you need more information, think about it.

And Robin, if you want to unblock me from twitter and have a heart to heart about the accusations I’ve made in this post, I would be totally okay with that.

Today’s Moment of Zen:

Favorite moment: His triumphant swag.

Rap battles.  That simple phrase instantaneously evokes so much.  Biggie vs. Tupac.  Jay-Z vs. Nas.  Lil’ Wayne vs. my ears.  Today, I hope to add another epic rap battle to that lexicon.  Today, I give you: Bangs vs. Vince Spadea.

Those of you who have read earlier posts from this blog know who Bangs is and know/understand my fervent admiration of him.  A Sudanese rapper transcending race, creed, politics, and gender to simply drop some sick rhymes about taking his shawty to the da movies — it doesn’t get more real than that.

But alongside my friend Bangs on the realness spectrum is another great: Vince Spadea, who I have also covered on this blog before.  In a sport known for its Country-Club-Middle-Aged-Women-Sleeping-With-The-Tennis-Instructor chic, he has managed to break those barriers and begun to erase the elitist stigma associated with it.  Spadea doesn’t hold back in his raps, going hard on a myriad of topics from his whiteness to his street education to Cameron Diaz.

However great these two may be, their differences in approaching the rap game has led to the inevitable question, ‘who is the better rapper?’  Today, I plan to get to the bottom of that question.

Bangs

vs.

Vince Spadea

I’ve come up with a few categories by which to evaluate these two:

Beats: Now, honestly, it’s a bit unfair to compare these two since Bangs does seem to have access to GarageBand to produce his trademark beats while Vince appears to be freestyling outside a public tennis court.  But, I think it’d be a crime to the entire rap community if I just ignored Bangs’ beats completely, so I have to give this one to him.  Try imagining a world without Bangs’ electronic keyboard playing in the background.  Hurts, doesn’t it?

Lyrics: Probably the toughest category of all to judge.  I’ve compiled here a shortlist of the best snippets from their respective songs.

Wow.  Quite honestly, I’m a bit blown away by both.  In terms of pure convolutedness, I’d have to give Vince Spadea this one.  His diss, turning 50 cents into 50 dimes ($5.00…), the “new and confused” Vinny Spadey, the jump to threatening brothers who try to take his money, and the comparison to Cameron Diaz just really makes you wonder exactly what goes on in the mind of a genius.  To me, I imagine Vince Spadea’s mind to be like that scene in ‘A Beautiful Mind’ where Nash sees a list of random numbers on a board and makes a connection between them except in this case the random numbers are replaced by tennis, hot chicks, whiteness, money, and Memphis.  Don’t question it, it’s a plane of higher thinking we aren’t meant to understand.

Creativity: Bangs.  No debate on this one, we’ve got him in a Santa get up, him in front of a Christmas tree, him in the streets of Sydney, interspersed with random shots of troll dolls.  No better way to portray Christmas!

Discography: And by discography, I mean the other youtube videos they’re uploaded.  While Bangs’ discography also includes his other two singles, ‘Take You To Da Movies’ and ‘Meet Me On Facebook’ among other things, Vince Spadea’s include advice on how to choose a chapstick, him at Chipotle, and a video of his coach harassing a Spanish flight attendant:

I guess I’d have to give this one to Spadea………..

And the tiebreaker, the last category…

YouTube comments:

Bangs: “Dear god, I have never been so in awe of an artist,” “Did he died?,” “Bangs is a real O.G. That Christmas story brought tears to my eyes…,” “i hate when I have chocolate and people start chasing me because I have chocolate”

Vince Spadea: “hes white and i love it,” “I never thought that anything could make me a tennis fan but I am henceforth all in with Spadea the Gladeata”

I have to give this one to Bangs.  The range of comments that he inspires is truly heartwarming and astounding.

Winner: Bangs. I give Bangs the win because of his creativity, fresh beats, inspiring lyrics, and BECAUSE IT’S CHRISTMAS.  So don’t chase after me.  However, I’d like to say that with these two brilliant minds pounding out lyrics, we’re all winners.

Endnote: I realize that I have covered both Vinny and Bangs on this blog before, so please forgive me if you feel this is getting repetitive.  I just couldn’t resist.

Also, giveaway below, please read and enter!!!  Don’t be shy.

Ace Down the Tee

Greetings, fellow tennis devotees!

If you’re a Federer fan — I have more good news.  If you’re a Nadal fan — I still have good news.  And if you’re a Delpo fan — well, you’re kind of out of luck there, but it’s semi good news?

THE GOOD NEWS: YVS has teamed up with Ace Down the Tee for a giveaway!  YES, YOU HEARD RIGHT.  A giveaway!  Elena Dementieva couldn’t give away match points better than we’re giving away this amazing free SHIRT.  (I miss her.)

I know you guys are all lusting after some sweet tennis gear to proudly display your unhealthy and obsessive behavior in the form of a witty t-shirt.  How would I know this?  Because I too have suffered from this very syndrome.  I see a Nike shirt with the words ‘Team Federer’ on it and a primal Pavlovian response rises in me to go on the internet and BUY.  But then I see it’s $30 USD for a freaking shirt that has two words (not even clever, Team Jolie did it better, etc) screened on it and these baser animal instincts are suppressed once more.

Then, of course, I try making my own stuff, but a white t-shirt from Walgreens with the RF slogan stenciled on doesn’t exactly scream elegance.  (And I’m pretty sure it’s some form of copyright infringement as well.)  So, Ace Down the Tee has expertly stepped in to fill this void in my (and your) life to provide you with actual witty, geeky, downright tennis stan-ny shirts.  And the tennis world couldn’t be better.  Seriously, those shirts are very cool and are listed starting at $15.

And so, just a few basic rules to enter this giveaway:

1.  Blingee or macro or caption your favorite tennis picture.  Neither medium of expressing your talents will be preferred over another in judging.
2. Please COMMENT TO THIS ENTRY with your work of art and your name.
3. In TWO WEEKS, I will announce a winner.  That winner will choose a shirt from the available Ace Down the Tee stock.
4. Good luck!  I look forward to viewing it all.

Everyone please enter or you’ll break Mommy Vera‘s heart even more than…*sob*…I don’t want to talk about it.

*Note: I actually wrote this post months ago, before Lena retired from tennis (and my life) FOREVER. The references are killing me too….*tear*…..

This Thursday, the tennis world imploded on itself when Caroline Wozniacki wrested the World No. 1 spot from Serena Williams with a 6-3, 6-2 win over Petra Kvitova — a match where she hit 3 winners and Kvitova hit 44 unforced errors.  Tennis at its finest!

Anyways, I guess I could blog about this…..or I could blog about two week old news concerning Andy Murray‘s dog.  Yes, let’s go with “Maggie May.”

So, I’ve always had this sneaking suspicion (actually, not sneaking, more just outright suspicion) that Andy Murray is kind of an 80 year-old cat lady.  I mean, first there was that story from an English paper ‘Metro’ where he threw a bachelor party for Jamie that included Batman costumes and champagne.  Scandalized by these accusations (COMIC BOOKS AND ALCOHOL!???! SOMEONE IS GOING TO HELL.), Mandy took to twitter and strongly denied all Batman costumes

<< my bros stag doo on sunday didn’t consist of any champagne, no batman show and my bro was out of there by 12 30 haha all very lame! >>

as well as sadly musing

<< Why r newspapers allowed to print lies? >>

Of course, worried that he wouldn’t be considered ‘cool’ by bestie Posh Spice David Beckham, Andy quickly backtracked with the following tweet

<< It was vodka not champagne we opted for haha >>

‘ haha we were totally drinking alcohol and NOT water and apple juice becuz that’s so lame hahaha! i wud never do something so LAME haha lol’

It was at this point I realized that within his gangly, alien-like frame lives not a socially awkward 23 year old vampire but instead an 80 year-old woman who plays a mean game of bridge.

These suspicions were confirmed even more when I learned of the existence of…….@maggiemay_hem.

For those of you stranded in the radioactive hotspots of Ukraine and have no idea what “maggiemay_hem” is, besides a fairly clever pun, let me enlighten you.  @maggiemay_hem is the twitter account for Mandy’s dog.  I…will let that sink in.

Mandy has created a twitter account so that his dog, Maggie, could assume her own voice and wax poetic about her day to day happenings while also posting photos of herself in fetching coats.  (To tell you the truth, Maggie’s kind of an attention whore.)  ……..And we wonder why Andy’s having tennis troubles?  To quote an eloquent lady: “Um, HELLO?!”  (Angelina “Jolie” Pivarnick, Jersey Shore).  In the world of internet pet worship, a pet twitter is on par with a pet facebook but a few steps down from having a tricked out Neopets’ page.

This obsession with Maggie doesn’t just stop in the virtual world.  Here is a recent photo Andy posted with the caption “Last night with maggie very sad:-(” (I can only imagine the tears shed that night…)

Why yes, that is a portrait of Maggie hanging on the wall.  In what appears to be an otherwise sparsely decorated house, the only hanging on the wall is a picture of…Maggie.  I would bet there’s an entire room just for Maggie, Citizen Kane style where the room’s walls are lined with mirrors, creating the illusion of an infinite number of Maggies……unfortunately, the closest Andy can get to his wildest dream until they perfect cloning.

…

Aaaaand, in other news, Andy Murray’s mum Judy has also entered the twitter-verse with the charming handle “@judmoo“.  It’s, like, a hereditary thing, right?

Post-note: Contemplating a blog name change à la the new Gap logo.  I’m thinking of switching from Your Volleys Suck to aNdY MuRRaY faN bLoG~*~~ since he is all I ever cover.  *sob*

Instead, I miss Andy Murray.  (((((((

99% sure Mandy and Judy tagged teamed this wikipedia page to celebrate Andy’s extended stay of all of two weeks at No. 2 in the world.  When he hits three weeks, good ol’ Judy’s going to surprise him with a brand new section on his No. 2 accomplishments!

“until his brother hit him hard enough to lose a nail on his left hand”

I don’t know which family I want to join more — the Murray household where doctoring Wikipedia pages and battering your siblings are considered normalcy or the Djokovic household where creating festive shirts rendering your son’s likeness in spray paint and proclaiming one of your son’s main rivals ‘dead’ are strongly encouraged.  At this point, I’d like to propose sticking these tennis parents in a locked room and letting them battle it out: Judy v. Srdjan, Richard Williams v. Oracene, all while Robbie Fed takes the pictures.

It’s pretty obvious that Judy fell asleep towards the end of this paragraph and Andy was forced to take over writing in her place.  Either Andy learned to write from repeat viewings of Liesl and Rolf’s telegram repartee in The Sound of Music or English is his second language.  Maybe third.  Well, he’s Scottish.  That explains it all.

Miss you, Andy.  :’(