Ever since the start of the London games, we’ve heard…interesting…takes about the press conferences. The regular tennis journalists have scoffed at the unprofessional behavior of the new press, embarrassed by them and mocking them through classy venues like twitter.
Because I too enjoy publicly castrating people, here are the Top 10 “Questions” asked by the press over the three days of the Olympics.
1. Q. You were talking about Michelle Obama. You keep saying ‘Michelle.’ Do you know her at all?
“Because I felt that you were getting a little too familiar, Serena,” said the journalist.
2. Q. Question from Bulgaria. What is your relation with Grigor Dimitrov? What future do you see in him as a tennis player?
The journalist in question:
3. Q. You are very popular in Brazil. You have so many fans there. I’d like to know, what do you think about Brazilian women? Do you like? Do you have some Brazilian athletes that you like to see that you’re a fan?
Dude, are Rio’s Opening Ceremonies just going to be Brazilian women? Because sure, that’d work for like, 20 minutes, but Idk if they have enough material to keep us distracted for 3 hours.
4. Q. You and the other top players on tour have been talking about these Olympics for more than a year now. Was that common? Did that happen in 2007? Or is it because of the venue? Heather mentioned you were playing cards this morning. What is your card game?
5. Q. Can I ask for your reaction to reports from the media that morning that on the night before your doubles match against Erlich and Ram that Stan was out at Switzerland house until 2 a.m.? Do you know if that’s true and is it disappointing if it is?
LOL, what a tattle-tale little bitch.
6. Q. Have you still got your crazy nails?
HEATHER WATSON: Yeah, still on.
Q. Can you talk us through that.
HEATHER WATSON: All right. These ones, that says GBR. Then these two are the flag. Then the green is the tennis court.
“Can you talk us through that.” When it’s reasonable to ask someone to “talk you through it”: someone mentioning the Higgs Boson particle; learning more about Israeli-Palestinian politics; if your friend’s name is Goose. When it’s pretty fucking stupid to ask someone to talk you through it: asking about a girl’s nails that LITERALLY have their meaning spelled out. I don’t know what this man was expecting her answer to be. “The green represents freedom and liberty and DEMOCRACY.”
7. Q. You looked like you took the flag out of the thing it’s held in because you wanted to wave it around.
“You looked like you took off your pants because you wanted to take a deuce. Can you comment more on that, Novak?” Where is the question in this???? He’s already answered his own question!!!
8. Q. It seems you will face Jarkko Nieminen next round.
ANDY MURRAY: He won?
Q. Yeah, he’s going to win.
ANDY MURRAY: He’s going to win, okay (smiling).
Q. I wonder if you are a little bit afraid to face our star.
ANDY MURRAY: Well, no, not afraid. I mean, he’s a very tough player. He has a lot of experience. He’s been around the tour for a long time. I played him quite a few times, as well. Actually, I played him at Wimbledon quite a few years ago. We played in front of the Queen, so I have played him on the grass before. Yeah, he’s a tough, tough player to play against. Yeah, look forward to the match. It will be tough.
Q. He’s one set up.
ANDY MURRAY: Okay. So nowhere near winning then (smiling).
I…don’t really understand this exchange. So, first the journalist lies to Andy and then he tries to play some mind games and finally he decides to…tell the truth? An interesting exercise in pointlessness.
9. Q. Have you ever actually held or worn a gold medal?
ANDY MURRAY: No, never.
Q. Has Chris Hoy ever asked you whether you’d like to try one around your neck?
What part of “No, never” is ambiguous?
Q. Good start.