A Rose by Any Other Name Would Smell as Sweet…?

So over the last few days this happened:

and after I had spent all of Monday defending Kiri’s honor while abusing Miguel Seabra because he had seemingly pulled this random ass story out of thin air.  So sorry for hating, Mr Seabra and have a free pass to brush the dirt off your shoulder…

Okay that being said, allow me to get something off my chest.  First Lucie/Tomas, Herman Cain/Mrs Cain, and now Igor and Maria????!?!??!  I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU.  Let’s be real, judging from how Tomas has this new trick and how Lucie’s dude looks like he hunts his own meat and eats it raw seasoned with shards of broken glass and my dreams and now this????  I’m too old for this. Can we also just address Igor who’s probably curled up in bed, flipping through old photo albums, eating black walnut haagen daaz, blasting Drake while Maria prances around town with his balls in her purse ….

….I don’t really care if you’re “happy” because I’m invested GODDAMNIT…

And Maria….girl Maria…….how the fuck am I supposed to solve this problem

OVECHKIN.  Really????  I say this as someone who LIKES this guy, but what the fuck are you thinking???  But I’m not judging okay…. Allow me to make a list of pros and cons.

Pros:
+ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ (Ovechkin is currently under a 13-year $124 million contract with the Washington Capitals and that’s just BASE PAY.  He also has endorsement deals with Nike, Bauer, etc.)
+ Prestige.  No offense to Igor, but it’s not like paparazzi were breaking down his door for a glimpse of the World No 115….Ovechkin is basically a well liked Andy Murray in Russia…
+ He will never bore you:

+ He is a pretty nice guy

Cons:
- Your future progeny will have the highest dentist bills known to mankind
- 
- My sneaking suspicion that Ovie can’t actually read…..
- Another kinship with Andy: http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy/post/Video-Ovechkin-on-sex-before-games-Russian-vs-?urn=nhl-180437 …..which makes me wonder what’s going to happen when they will most likely not be together for 80% of the year….

- This extremely flattering interview: http://www.gq.com/sports/profiles/201011/alexander-ovechkin-nhl-washington-capitals#ixzz1fEFiukiw

The pyramid was Ovie’s idea. It is a cheesy joint, decorated with ankhs and hieroglyphics, that functions as a dance club after dark. It’s been here forever, which in Moscow’s case means since the 1990s, and it reeks of the era: a quick and dirty mock-up of Western excess not quite gotten right. “I used to go to this place a lot when I played for Russia,” explains Ovechkin. “I would spend whole days here. I used to date this girl then…. See, they have these sofas on the second floor. So I used to take her up to those sofas, you know?”

…

“There’s some quality action at Soho Rooms, real high quality,” he says when we start talking clubs. “You should go pick up some telochki.” The word literally means “calves” and semantically falls somewhere between “chicks” and “bitches.” “Especially if you’ve got your own table. Just go up to the girls, say, ‘I’ve got a table,’ and they’ll hop right along.”

I do that smug thing married guys do, where you stick out your hand and use the thumb to wiggle the wedding ring on the ring finger.

“Aw, come on, who’s gonna see?” pushes Ovechkin.

…

The conversation ends abruptly. Ovechkin’s dangerous-looking friend Magomet, whom Alex has been texting throughout our talk (he texts nonstop, with prodigious -smileys), has rolled up in an Audi SUV painted a scabrous matte black. For a while, we cruise down Tverskaya. Each time he sees a pretty girl walking by, Ovechkin shouts “BOOM!” at the top of his lungs.

…

Ovie can’t help himself. He shows up with two very young telochki, Lera and Olesya, that he’s picked up at Soho Rooms. They’re dressed like snow bunnies and have clearly had at least some skating classes between them. A stray thought visits me that Ovie has brought one of them to keep me company, but before I can figure out which one, it becomes rather obvious he’s planning to keep both. Dressed in all white, complete with a white cap, he whooshes down the slushy ice—spraying a frozen margarita’s worth on each dramatic stop—twirls, parodies figure-skating moves (impressively), snaps souvenir photos, rolls video, and takes turns making out with Lera while Olesya documents the proceedings and making out with Olesya while Lera does the documenting.

- dude’s track record isn’t exactly the best with women….there was that one girl he met over the internet, brought to DC then dumped a few weeks later, the various Russian models and actresses, and of course, the random booty calls in various cities….

- that one time he set the women’s rights movement back 50 years:

“When I find a wife, of course I’m gonna live with her, but now who gonna cook, who gonna clean my stuff?  I’m not.”

- http://video.nhl.com/videocenter/console?id=88735

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