IDK, My BFF Justine?

Flipping through the latest issue of Harper’s Bazaar today, I happened to stumble across Serena Williams‘ four page spread.  “This article is only a page,” I thought, “why not read it?”  (The exact opposite, in fact, of TL;DR.)  However, after the first paragraph, I could read no more:

Some of Serena Williams’s best looks have been named after the contents of a fruit basket.  When she was 17, there was a dress she christened Peach Pleasure.  “It was peach on one half and white in the middle. So cute,” she says.  At the U.S. Open in 2002, Strawberry Ice (strawberry for the color, ice for the Harry Winston diamonds), then, at a tournament in L.A. in 2004, Lime Time (self-explanatory).  And, of course, the Catsuit, which was definitely not a fruit.  While Williams rocked a slick black Puma number on court at the 2002 U.S. Open, in the locker room beforehand, she was not so confident.  She says now, “I was like, ‘I can’t go out there.  Oh, my God, I’m so nervous, I can’t go out.  I feel really exposed.’”  She asked fellow player Justine Henin what she thought.  (Henin recommended a more traditional skirt and top.) But the rest, as they say, is history.  “I felt so comfortable,” she remembers, “and after that, I owned it.”

See, the reason I couldn’t continue reading is because I HAD TO BLOG ABOUT THIS.  First, let’s discuss why asking Justine Henin for fashion advice is more ill-advised than asking Roger Federer how to make good hawkeye challenges, Tiger Woods how to not be a total creep, and Mel Gibson how to be gentle.  IT IS JUST A BAD IDEA.

Let us begin.

Let us please ignore the other fashion disaster in the room (Dindsay Lavenport) and focus on our victim.  Not only did she decide to don the traditional garb of a cruise line hostess but she decided to class things up with SNEAKERS.  Now you may think, “Sneakers? A little trashy perhaps, but not that bad.”  Oh, my friend, it was only the beginning.

In Exhibit B, our victim has sewed ruffles on what appears to be a hefty trash bag and had the nerve to call this creation a dress.

During her time in the African savannah, our victim caught herself a pair of snakes, skinned them alive and then, as if that wasn’t torture enough, used that very skin to fashion a pair of shoes and a match handbag.  Let me just let that sink in a bit.  Fabric that is animal patterned, that is SNAKE PATTERNED WITH MATCHING HANDBAG ACCESSORIES.  The only way this could get worse is if she had a matching bandana.  And who the hell knows what’s in that purse?

On the actual dress itself, she used her tried and true technique of Sew As Much Crap As Possible On The Hem.

Us mere mortals, we look at that and think, “There is no way it can get worse than this. No way.”  But, you see, we were not blessed with the creativity and true visionary spirit of Justine Henin.

When Justine came back to the tour, she decided to announce her return with a BANG.

To steal a slogan from the NHL: There. Are. No. Words.

Of course, her return to the Hot Mess Olympics is not without struggle.  The youngsters of the tour lack respect for their elders and have dared to go farther and look more disgusting than ever before.  We can only watch and see how the Queen reacts to these contenders.

MFE = My Face Exactly (that was me explaining what MFE means)

So, it is safe to say that Justine Henin is not exactly the best person to go to for fashion advice.  Thus, it then begs the question: WHY?  Why would Serena ask Justine?  The answer: they are best friends.  Secret best friends because Venus and Oracene just aren’t ready for that kind of news.  The evidence is there for all to see.

In 2003, when Justine raised her hand on Serena’s second serve, she wasn’t signaling to Serena she wasn’t ready to receive serve, but was JUST WAVING TO HER BEST FRIEND.

In 2007, when Serena was caught on camera calling Justine a ‘bitch’ during their US Open quarterfinal match, she wasn’t actually calling her a bitch, but rather using a term of endearment.  This is probably how one of their conversations go in the locker room:

Serena: Hey bitch, now I know you did not steal my towel.
Justine: Calm your ass down, slut. You can have it when I’m done.
*do their secret handshake*
-END-

This year, when Serena told Jelena Jankovic, “I would never do that to you. I’m not Justine,” what the cameras didn’t catch is when Serena said “…I could never be that amazing ♥”.

And Serena’s ‘foot injury’ which just so conveniently happened after she heard Justine was out of the US Open?  It’s really just her making some quality time for the two to go shopping.

To Serena, I only have two pieces of advice:

1.  Just give up the ruse.  We’ve all caught on now.  No need to pretend faces like these anymore:

2.  Now I know I totally disqualified Justine as a friend you turn to for fashion advice, but what one taketh away, one also giveth.  May I suggest in her place, Pierre Yves? You just cannot go wrong.

"She's a dumb bia-tch!"

I think we’ve finally found the WTA version of Mandy-Delpo, kids!  ♥

Endnote – Other Possible Titles for this Post Included:
In Justine We Trust
Christine Henis Strikes Again
Justine Wintour: The July Issue
Serena + Justine = JustRena