It’s Not Mandy’s Fault You Suck, England

Did you know that England was once THE world power?  Back in the day, they were the U.S., only with bad teeth and nice accents.  Now, I know you’re saying, “Why, that sounds completely ridiculous!”, but bear with me because it’s true.

See, waaaay back in yesteryear England used to be a world power.  A world power that didn’t consist of Tony Blair/Gordon Brown/David Cameron kissing ass to Dub-ya/Obama/Oprah.  No, they were a legitimate country that actually garnered respect and admiration from the rest of the world.  It all started with a little victory over some Spaniards and the English just ran with it.  At one point, they were so drunk on power, they ruled 2/3 of the world.  That phrase, “The sun never sets on the British Empire”?  That isn’t some random pithy saying that nobody understands like “paint the town red” or “fit as a fiddle,” no, this saying was once based in fact. Hard to believe, I know.

Let’s fastforward to 2010.  What are the English known for now?  Bad teeth.  David Brent.  Monarchy.  Afternoon tea and crumpets.  As we can see, it’s nothing complimentary.  And so, increasingly desperate for some semblance of international respect, the English people have turned to the most trivial and insignificant arena: athletics.  “So what if David Cameron will never be as cool as Barack Obama?  At least we’ll have David Beckham!  So what if we haven’t been able to take advantage of the advances in modern dentistry?  At least we’ll have Wayne Rooney!”

Of course, in this Quest for Respect, they placed all their eggs in one basket, only to have that basket dropped, crushed, mutilated, and then run over by a semi.  Let’s recap what England’s been through so far, eh?

1. Forced to claim Ashley Cole as a citizen.
2. Placed second in World Cup Group C after running these front pages:
   

   At least there's free Doritos?

3. Having a game-tying goal (in the first half) discounted in their match against Germany, then proceeding to get crushed by Germany 4-1, thus being shamefully evicted from the African continent.
4. Being told by Ashley Cole he hates them. (Of all people…)
5. Having FIFA president, Sepp Blatter, laugh in their faces by telling them he’s ‘sorry.’
6. Bloody video replay.

And so, downtrodden and depressed from their short stint in South Africa, the English turned their eyes to Wimbledon…where, lo and behold, Andy Murray actually has a chance to *gasp* MAKE IT INTO THE FINALS.  Guess the last time an Englishman won Wimbledon?  Yup, Fred Perry in 1936, which we all know because THERE’S ONLY ONE.  (Oh, and just so we’re all clear: before he loses, Murray’s an Englishman, after he loses, he’s back to being a Scot, okay?)  Only two Englishmen have EVER made it into the finals.  …So at least they have a good conversion rate?

Anyways, back to Mandy.  Yes, An Event That Shall Not Be Named happens and suddenly everyone’s buzzing about how he’s got a chance to WIN IT ALL.  Never mind how much we ragged on him for having a piss poor season leading up to this event, we need to salvage our national identity by excelling in ANY sport!  (Might I recommend Ultimate Frisbee?)  He’s in the semis, which is one win away from the finals, which is another win away from the TITLE!!!!!!

Aaaand, this is where it all fell apart.  SUCH an amateur move by England, to even consider the possibility that Mandy might win the title.  A) It’s called jinxing. B) It’s called unnecessary pressure. C) It’s called ‘he’s playing f-ing Rafael Nadal‘.  COME ON.

But, I’m a nice person, I’m a generous person, and I sympathize with you Brits.  I, too, have wanted something impossible, like that one time I accidentally killed my Tamagotchi and thought I could resurrect it…..this story does not end well.

Regardless, Brits, you (again) put all your eggs in one basket, rolled the dice, and lost.  And…I’m sorry.  I wanted Mandy to win too.  (I still love you though, Tim! I swear!!)  In an effort to cheer you lot up, a Mandy video:

Let’s watch together, shall we?  Perhaps the glint off his Edward Cullen-esque skin will temporarily blind us to all these bad memories.  Perhaps the sight of Mandy on clay will remind us that it could have been much worse.  Perhaps seeing Justin Gimelstob’s smarmy face will remind us that England isn’t the only country that produces twats.

So we’re using the term ‘player’ in the loosest sense?  Good to know.

Ahh, look at him, in all his pale, Twilight, sparkly glory!  In fact, I think I spy some sunscreen on his nose.  He completes the ‘just played video games for 7 hours straight’ look with a full head of bed hair.  Computer geek chic at its best.

Mandy: ‘What was your best result here?’
JG: ‘I won a set a couple times.’
Mandy: *giggles* *like a girl*

(Also note that the camera blurs and quickly cuts to Gimelstob being annoying when Mandy starts losing interest 3 seconds later and ‘checks his phone.’  And by checking his phone, we all know he’s doing the ‘pretend I have other business so I don’t have to talk to this person’ move.  Not as socially awkward as he looks, this kid.)

This is by far the best part of the video.  First, the way he’s just staring off into space, not even paying attention to Gimelstob, then the way he turns his head and says ‘Fuuuurr whaautuuuuttttt’ in the snootiest voice I have ever heard.

But don’t be fooled by his clueless demeanor because that’s when Mandy goes for the kill.  He reminds me a lot of a Mean Girl, rolling off a quick insult while his crony giggles behind a towel in the background.

Taken out of context, this picture could be construed in an inappropriate manner, but I would never do that…….

I don’t think Mandy’s partner speaks English.  (Somewhere, Delpo is crying with jealousy.)

Mandy: ‘Please go away and stop embarrassing yourself.’
Partner: ‘What? Rod? Dick? I’m just going to smile and nod like I understand.’

Can we all simultaneously throw up at how ATROCIOUS Gimelstob’s pronunciation of ‘Allez’ was?

Awkward kid asking for autograph, Mandy keeping his back turned to make the kid suffer even more awkwardly as he writes a heartfelt note while his Partner curiously looks at the strange symbols he’s scribbling.

Awkward child: ‘omg, thank God that’s over!’
Partner: ‘What?’

Such a charming bloke.  Look at him, doing his best impression of Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

And the second best part of the video comes when he nails Gimelstob because SOME PEOPLE JUST DON’T GET THE HINT THAT IT’S TIME TO LEAVE.

So, Brits, did I cheer you up?  Remember, it could be worse.  You could actually be Andy Murray, having to deal with questions like this:

Q.  I know you’ve only just come off court, but where does this one sit with your other disappointments?

At the end of the day, you’ve just got to retire back to your ‘flat’, have some Earl Grey, put the ‘beeb’ on the ‘telly’ to watch Doctor Who, and know that while you may not have respect, at least you’ve got Cheryl Cole Tweedy.