and after I had spent all of Monday defending Kiri’s honor while abusing Miguel Seabra because he had seemingly pulled this random ass story out of thin air. So sorry for hating, Mr Seabra and have a free pass to brush the dirt off your shoulder…
Okay that being said, allow me to get something off my chest. First Lucie/Tomas, Herman Cain/Mrs Cain, and now Igor and Maria????!?!??! I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU. Let’s be real, judging from how Tomas has this new trick and how Lucie’s dude looks like he hunts his own meat and eats it raw seasoned with shards of broken glass and my dreams and now this???? I’m too old for this. Can we also just address Igor who’s probably curled up in bed, flipping through old photo albums, eating black walnut haagen daaz, blasting Drake while Maria prances around town with his balls in her purse ….
….I don’t really care if you’re “happy” because I’m invested GODDAMNIT…
And Maria….girl Maria…….how the fuck am I supposed to solve this problem
OVECHKIN. Really???? I say this as someone who LIKES this guy, but what the fuck are you thinking??? But I’m not judging okay…. Allow me to make a list of pros and cons.
Pros:
+ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ (Ovechkin is currently under a 13-year $124 million contract with the Washington Capitals and that’s just BASE PAY. He also has endorsement deals with Nike, Bauer, etc.)
+ Prestige. No offense to Igor, but it’s not like paparazzi were breaking down his door for a glimpse of the World No 115….Ovechkin is basically a well liked Andy Murray in Russia…
+ He will never bore you:
The pyramid was Ovie’s idea. It is a cheesy joint, decorated with ankhs and hieroglyphics, that functions as a dance club after dark. It’s been here forever, which in Moscow’s case means since the 1990s, and it reeks of the era: a quick and dirty mock-up of Western excess not quite gotten right. “I used to go to this place a lot when I played for Russia,” explains Ovechkin. “I would spend whole days here. I used to date this girl then…. See, they have these sofas on the second floor. So I used to take her up to those sofas, you know?”
…
“There’s some quality action at Soho Rooms, real high quality,” he says when we start talking clubs. “You should go pick up some telochki.” The word literally means “calves” and semantically falls somewhere between “chicks” and “bitches.” “Especially if you’ve got your own table. Just go up to the girls, say, ‘I’ve got a table,’ and they’ll hop right along.”
I do that smug thing married guys do, where you stick out your hand and use the thumb to wiggle the wedding ring on the ring finger.
“Aw, come on, who’s gonna see?” pushes Ovechkin.
…
The conversation ends abruptly. Ovechkin’s dangerous-looking friend Magomet, whom Alex has been texting throughout our talk (he texts nonstop, with prodigious -smileys), has rolled up in an Audi SUV painted a scabrous matte black. For a while, we cruise down Tverskaya. Each time he sees a pretty girl walking by, Ovechkin shouts “BOOM!” at the top of his lungs.
…
Ovie can’t help himself. He shows up with two very young telochki, Lera and Olesya, that he’s picked up at Soho Rooms. They’re dressed like snow bunnies and have clearly had at least some skating classes between them. A stray thought visits me that Ovie has brought one of them to keep me company, but before I can figure out which one, it becomes rather obvious he’s planning to keep both. Dressed in all white, complete with a white cap, he whooshes down the slushy ice—spraying a frozen margarita’s worth on each dramatic stop—twirls, parodies figure-skating moves (impressively), snaps souvenir photos, rolls video, and takes turns making out with Lera while Olesya documents the proceedings and making out with Olesya while Lera does the documenting.
(ATP Stans is an ongoing series from YVS to document the variety of stans in men’s tennis. For background information, please see Part I.)
Yesterday I covered Roger Federer stans. Today, I cover a similar beast:
Rafael Nadal Stans Unlike Federer stan-dom, Nadal stan-dom has only steadily increased throughout the years. After Nadal’s first Roland Garros win in 2005, he has only surpassed the expectations set for him — this overachieving has led to delusions of grandeur in his stans’ eyes.
Nadal stans can generally be separated into two categories: Spartans and Phantoms.
“Spartans” are aggressively in-your-face stans, who incessantly bring up Rafa’s winning head to heads against certain top players, his clay court record, and career golden slam. They treat every Nadal victory on clay like a 6-0, 6-0 drubbing, using language like “[x] bent over and took it from Spartan Warrior RAFA today!!!!”. Spartans take their name from constantly describing Nadal as a “Spartan” on clay, mostly because of his body-crippling style of play and warrior-like attitude on court. Most Spartans amass thousands of posts in a year’s time.
The quintessential example of the "Spartan." Mungo also exemplifies the Federer reverse stan.
“Phantoms” are Nadal stans (often fangirls) who suffer from a Couvade-like syndrome, taking on some of Nadal’s own characteristics. These include:
False modesty to the extreme, often depicting Rafa as the underdog, no matter what the circumstances. Instances include: every Roland Garros final against Federer ever, who is clearly the favorite if he plays his best
Often using injuries to excuse losses or inferring injuries as a reason for being down to an opponent
Severe belief in superstition, especially “jinxes”
A tenuous grasp of the English language
The "Phantom."
Regardless of category, Nadal stans heavily invest in the future, often making statements like “At this rate, Rafa will win 25 slams!!!”, “Rafa is the GOAT and will surpass Federer’s slams, NID!!”, and “I don’t see anyone beating Rafa ever!!!!”. Generally, Nadal stans lack basic math skills and common sense, which allows them to make any number of absurd statements; they also abuse established rules of punctuation and syntax. Stans worship Nadal like a deity and inappropriately use the words “God,” “religion,” “Saint,” “hero,” “epic,” “perfect,” and “Jesus.” This devotion blinds Nadal stans to any criticism of Nadal’s time wasting, suspect injury timeouts, and illegal coaching.
Nadal stans are also unique in that they have the special power to project their own fantasies onto Nadal because of his general lack of a personality. This leads them to make inferences like:
“Rafa shops at Asda?????? I shop at Asda!!!!! He’s just like us!!!!!!”
“Rafa likes chocolate????? I like chocolate!!!! He’s just like us!!!!!!”
“Rafa and Novak hugged once at net, they are best friends!!!!!!!!!!”
“Rafa bites his trophies, he is so quirky, fun, and cute!!!!!!!!!!!”
“RAFA SHOOK HANDS WITH FEDERROR AT NET HE SO HUMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Any attempts to puncture this image of Rafa they’ve created in their minds are met with staunch resistance. See: Lynn Barber.
Note the use of personal attacks - the classic weapon of the Nadal stan.
"she should stick her questions up her ass and beg for an autograph"
Ultimately, Nadal stans can be most accurately described as a herd of sheep, unable to critically think for themselves with only a repertoire of monosyllable words in their vocabulary. The cultish worship of Nadal makes his Spartan stans extremely dangerous as they will become disproportionately aggressive and make threats on behalf of their hero. Phantom stans are not dangerous, only annoying: they are easily distracted by shiny objects and pictures of Nadal.
The natural enemy of the Nadal stan is the Federer stan. However, while their hatred for Federer stans still burns fiercely, Nadal stans have shifted their focus to other opponents since the Federer-Nadal Head to Head is irredeemably in Nadal’s favor and has thus sealed Nadal’s supremacy as GOAT. Nadal stans used to enjoy a camaraderie with Djokovic stans over their mutual hatred of Federer, but Djokovic’s recent wins over Nadal on his best surface have embarrassed Nadal stans and this relationship has become strained. Some Nadal stans have stooped so low as to cheer for Federer.
Most of the mainstream media currently stans for Nadal although the tides are shifting.
Self assessment
Below are some examples from the Nadal stan-base. Can YOU determine which particular symptoms these Nadal stans are suffering from? (See answer key below.)
1.
2.
3.
Answers:
1. Start da game is suffering from: a) blaspheming, in particular not comprehending the appropriate use of the word “God” b) moderately belligerent response to potential critics with “blind breed” c) potential Federer reverse stanning
2. careergrandslam is suffering from: a) delusion, compounded by a lack of common sense b) blaspheming, inability to understand meaning of words “religion” and “God” c) fantasy projection
3. Rafa is the GOAT is suffering from: a) delusions of grandeur, compounded by a lack of math skills b) heavy investment in future Nadal results c) hero worship
Inspired by the phenomenal website, Stan Wars (which has taught me everything I needed to know about stans), I’ve decided to spread the wisdom and create a comprehensive guide to tennis stans. In this first edition, I will cover the different variety of ATP stans.
Firstly, what is a ‘stan’? (No, it’s not someone who abandons their wife and newborn child.)
The first two definitions from UrbanDictionary offer the following:
1. Stan
Based on the central character in the Eminem song of the same name, a “stan” is an overzealous maniacal fan for any celebrity or athlete.
A typical Kobe Bryant Stan would say something like: “Kobe Bryant scored 81 points last night. Kobe could beat God himself in a game of 1 on 1 hoops. To hell with Michael Jordan or Wilt Chamberlain, they aren’t on Kobe’s level!”
2. stan
an overobsessed fan to the point of following a star around.
It is formed from the words stalker and fan.
Stalker + fan = stan.
I’m trying to watch a Amerie video and all of these Beyonce stans keep saying “Amerie sucks, Beyonce’s better.”
*Sidenote1: At this point, I’d like to clarify between the usage of “fangirl” and stan. Fangirls are a subgroup of stans, often characterized by their devotion to male players on the basis of looks alone, with little knowledge of the game itself. Often, fangirls are so offputting, they inspire a fierce backlash against the object of their devotion. In rare cases, the “stanbase” for a player can be comprised almost entirely of fangirls. For examples, please see: Marat Safin and Ernests Gulbis.
*Sidenote 2: Another interesting subset of the main stan group is “reverse stans.” These stans are dedicated to hating specific players and often go out of their way to watch matches and read interviews with the player they hate. Reverse stanning is often triggered by “pigeoning” (a number of successive losses to a particular player) or the perceived threat another player poses. Stanning and reverse stanning are not mutually exclusive; for example, Rafael Nadal stans are usually also Roger Federer reverse stans.
So, now that we know what a stan is, where do we find them? An ATP stan’s natural habitat is the wild — mainly, MensTennisForums. While stans can also be found at Tennis-Warehouse forums, Twitter (large numbers of fangirls breed here), as well as the forums for players’ official websites, MTF is the elite of stanning, the Holy Grail, if you will. There, we often find the most intense, diverse, and delusional ATP stans, who devote hundreds of hours per week defending a player who literally has no idea they exist.
ATP Stan Categories:
Roger Federer Stans Federer stans are a curious group, with their number intensely fluctuating with Federer’s results. Peak numbers were observed during the 2005-2007 years; however, they have steadily declined since, with many disappearing or converting to stans of more “successful” players. Occasionally, stan numbers will abruptly resurge, as recently seen with Federer’s recent win over Novak Djokovic; however, these numbers quickly decreased to their normal size after Federer’s subsequent loss to Nadal.
The remaining Federer stans are generally literate with a good understanding of the game, in contrast to many other stan groups. Many Federer stans are older (in tennis years), have been around since the last generation, and enjoy watching the current Nadal-Djokovic stan wars unfold. However, they do have one weakness: GOATs. Federer stans are extremely sensitive to any mention of the “GOAT” and will feverishly defend his GOAT status, using phrases like “skewed Head to Head,” “16 Grand Slams,” and “ballet tennis.” Commentators like Mats Wilander and John McEnroe have incurred Federer stans’ eternal hatred for their incessant praise of Rafael Nadal and questioning of Federer’s greatness. Above all, Federer stans are threatened by Rafael Nadal and as such, have formed unsteady alliances with Andy Murray and Novak Djokovic stans. In extreme cases, some stans may actually root against Federer, to accomplish a greater good of another player defeating Rafael Nadal and preserving Federer’s legacy.
Conversely, Federer stans react with pity or cool supremacy to the endangered number of Andy Roddick stans, probably because 20-2 speaks for itself.
The media used to contain huge numbers of Federer stans, but as both Novak Djokovic and Rafael Nadal have entered their prime, they have accordingly switched their allegiances. See also: bandwagoning.
A stalwart Federer stan expressing frustration after Federer's 485973th loss to Nadal.
A former Federer Stan driven to conversion.
Federer Reverse Stans Federer reverse stans will try and criticize Roger Federer for no reason and often the most insignificant of details. Federer’s peak years were dark times for reverse stans, who often resorted to picking on Mirka, Federer’s wife, to make themselves feel good. Today, common criticisms include: “arrogant!”, “robot,” “drama/fashion queen,” “queen,” “attention whore,” “cry baby,” and, if all else fails, “Mirka is ____.” Recently, Federer’s reverse stans have turned their attention to other players, since Federer is no longer humiliating their favorites on a regular basis.
Infamous Reverse Stan incidents: Federer-Nadal 1-dimensional, Federer-Djokovic be quiet, Federer-Nadal 2009 Australian Open tears, Federer at every Wimbledon, Federer-Roddick “15.”
Well, for once I am on top of the news. Real tennis results? Yeah, those can wait a few months. A WTA player calls someone else a f*cking bitch, I’ve got ESPN, Eurosport, CNN, Sky Sports, and Fox News all up while I send out my bat signal (p.s. it’s me flipping you the bird).
And with that being said, I’d like to critically think about this for a second. Why do we care so much about these trivial matters?? Shouldn’t we be focused on other results, like the fact that Vika is injured yet again or that Richie has now taken out two of my favorite players (-__-) or that Novak is terrifying me or that I might just kill Roger Federer??? Isn’t there real news to report rather than these sensationalized stories that serve no other purpose than to stir up controversy (and a false sense of indignation for some)? Isn’t this the problem with the media, which I very generously seem to be including myself in???? Come on, people, let’s just get back to the game.*
Oh yeah, and here are some cool gifs I made that have nothing at all to do with the topic at hand. Because this is a legitimate, unbiased news source!!!!!!
*(ahahahahahahahaha just kidding. Did you all like how I just punked you there?)
Hello, dear readers! So, it’s been like four months since I’ve even opened this page….(although a large part of that was due to a shirtless Mandy as the very front page)…and for that I greatly apologize! And of course, my complete inability to write posts and in turn, get hits on this blog, has led tennis higher ups to actually …. give me free stuff?*
But hey, I’ll take any motherfucker’s** money if he’s giving it away!*** (Oh shit, was I not supposed to swear? There I go again. Hopefully this doesn’t make me any less of a tennis blogger professional, as you can tell from my very neutral blog name.)
So anyways, remember this awesome post where we basically saw that my blog was so unpopular, I couldn’t even give awesome stuff away. It really might have been the saddest post in the planet. But, I’m back for more because the humiliation the first time just wasn’t enough! I think it’s the Federer in me.
Thanks to the awesome 2K Sports, they’ve sent me a copy of the new Top Spin 4 for Wii!! (Yes, the 2K Sports of that Serena Williams commercial. You can thank them later.) I realize the release of TS4 was like….a month ago….but yeah, this blog sucks at being timely. I’m surprised I can even read a clock sometimes.
The basics of the game:
Adrenaline fills your veins, sweat pours down your face. Your heart is beating faster than should be humanly possible. It’s all riding on this moment, this final serve that will determine your place in professional tennis history. With one last inhale, you smash the ball toward your opponent, silently hoping he fails to return the serve. The crowd sits silent for just another second or two and then erupts into a riotous roar. This is the world of tennis champions. This is Top Spin 4.
Synopsis
Get into the intensity and emotion of professional tennis by playing as any one of 25 pros from around the world, including Andre Agassi and Boris Becker. More than 4,000 Signature Style animations provide authentic player looks and actions complete with specific outfits, appearances, swing styles, behaviors and celebrations. Compete your way to the top in the in-depth Career mode and get carried away by the scintillating stadium atmosphere and enhanced TV-style presentation. Execute slices, drops, top spin shots, lob shots and serves with the innovative game controls that are satisfying for the experts and easy for beginners to use. In this high-intensity journey to become one of the greats, do you have what it takes?
Key Features:
Experience the intensity, emotion and excitement of real-life tennis matches set on the world’s most hallowed courts
All-new crowd effects build in intensity at crucial points in the match
More than 4,000 new Signature Style animations ensure your player looks and moves exactly like its real-life counterpart
Innovative game controls mimic real-life tennis swings to allow gamers of all experience levels to become a force to be reckoned with
Play as any of 25 top tennis pros, including Andre Agassi, Boris Becker, Michael Chang and more
Enhanced TV-style presentation brings the game to life with prematch animation sequences, diverse crowd reactions, audio effects, dynamic broadcast-style camera angles and more
Learn what it takes to be a tennis pro in the in-depth Career mode
Apparently, there’s some new feature called “Signature Style” where my player is supposed to be exactly like the real life counterpart. So, if I play as Mandy, can I make him throw up on court? And will Federer cry? Is there a Mardy Fish esque character in this game who wears lady socks? ALL PRESSING QUESTIONS.
For the giveaway, please answer this simple question:
Who will be the Roland Garros finalists? (Men’s and Women’s)
Don’t worry about getting it right or wrong, I’ll be giving away the game before Roland Garros even starts! A winner will be picked at random.
Please leave me your answer either HERE as a comment OR AS A REPLY TO MY TWITTER ACCOUNT (@yourvolleyssuck), WHICH YOU MUST BE FOLLOWING.
I’ll announce the winner in about two weeks, yeah?
(If you’re international, feel free to enter and we can work something out if shipping is weird.)
I’ll also put up my review of the game in a week’s time after I get home to play it. GOOD LUCK?!
*If I had realized that not expending any effort whatsoever was the way to the good life, would have started doing nothing years ago.
** Used affectionately.
***Special props to whoever gets this reference.
Andy Murray in a nutshell. (Also, one of the first results when one types "andy murray boring" into Google.)
Salutations, readers! I meant to write this before the Australian Open Mens’ Final, so it’d be a proper prelude, but…I got lazy. Forgive me. Anyways, let’s get to the business — mainly, Andy Murray being awkward (aka it’s a day that ends in -y).
During the Australian Open, Mandy wrote a few diary entries for local paper, The Australian, and also participated in a Q&A for Adelaide Now. Basically, he tried to pull a Rafa/The Times.
WHILE it is great to be in Melbourne for the Australian Open, I do admit to having some mixed emotions.
It is not that I don’t love playing in Australia. I, like most of the players on tour, find playing here a pleasure except, maybe, for those really hot days.
My first thought upon reading who the author was: ‘is this ghostwritten?’ After reading the first two sentences, my second thought was: ‘why not?’
Andy, Andy, Andy. I know you have, as Martina Hingis would call it, a ‘lack of formal education’, but is FOUR commas in one sentence REALLY NECESSARY. (Note: I made sure to only have THREE commas in that last sentence so don’t try and check up on me.) On the other hand, he has some amazing voice coming through his writing. I can really imagine him speaking this robotically.
Even though it is a major tournament, the atmosphere is more relaxed than the other grand slams. We’re treated really well, the facilities are great and everything is easy to get to.
Yes, compared to every other tournament where you get treated like shit…what, did the Paris tournament have a Peugeot chauffeur you around instead of a Mercedes? THE NERVE.
I also get plenty of support from British fans and even from some Aussies – I have aunties, uncles and cousins from here and they always fly from around Australia to support me.
But, for me, Melbourne is also the scene of my greatest disappointment. I played some of the best tennis of my career here last year, but was not able to reach that same standard against Roger Federer in the final. You want to play your best tennis on the biggest stage and I wasn’t able to do that last year.
That is something I will return to later but first I’d like to cover something more far important to the Australian people.
Like everyone, I have been stunned by the devastation the floods have caused all along the east coast, particularly in Queensland. It has been a terrible thing to see so much destruction and heartbreak.
Being able to help, even in a small way, is something I and a lot of the guys on tour wanted to do, which was the reason for yesterday’s Rally For Relief at Melbourne Park.
As tennis players, we are very fortunate in many ways, but one of the best things about our sport is that we can come together to raise funds for those in need. This is important to me.
I love that little touch right at the end to try and convince us he’s human. “This is important to me. I actually have human emotions. Do not believe what you read.”
[cut for brevity] …It is important, though, that I look no further ahead than my first round match against Karol Beck tomorrow. The early rounds of tournaments are always dangerous and Beck is an experienced and talented player.Although he has been around for a long time, I have never played him, but have an idea of what to expect. He hits the ball flat and hard, plays near the baseline and takes the ball early. Some of my team have watched him practise and I’ll try to figure out anything unexpected that he throws at me early in the match…
…I was also pleased by my first match against Karol Beck. It was a positive performance and boosted my confidence for what I hope will be a long tournament, though obviously I face another test today against Illya Marchenko.
Like Karol, I have never played Illya but some of my team went to watch his match and they have given me some pointers. I know he has talent so I’ll need to play well again today.
Read: “I heard this Marchenko guy was halfway decent so I’ll have to play at least at 25% capacity.”
Tennis players are often asked what we do when we are not playing matches or getting ready to perform and I gave a hint about something I love to do during the Rally for Relief on Sunday.
This sounds….kind of kinky….
Some of you may not have seen the little football trick I performed with a tennis ball during the charity match on Rod Laver Arena – I juggled the tennis ball with my feet before heading it over the net to Novak Djokovic, who did the same thing in returning the ball to Team Rafter’s side of the court where Andy Roddick . . . well, he dropped his racquet, grabbed the ball and threw a pitch – he is American, so I guess we’ll let him off!
It is a little thing I do every day as part of my warm-up routine and it has prompted a bit of interest about my love of the world game. Some of you probably know I am into my fantasy Premier League football and also have a team in a fantasy NBA league, but you may not know that I played a lot of football when I was growing up.
When I was 14, I was actually asked to go and train with the Glasgow Rangers’ school of excellence, which was a big thing for me. But at the same time I was obviously really keen on tennis and I still remember the day when I was finally forced to choose between my two favourite sports.
I was trying to juggle them both after school and remember racing home to grab my tennis gear for a 90-minute training session with my old junior coach Leon Smith, who is in Melbourne at the moment.
Because we got stuck in traffic, I could only hit for 45 minutes before my dad arrived to take me to football practice. As I was getting changed, I thought, this isn’t right and it was at that moment I decided to end my football career.
It’s weird reading about Andy’s father. I was kind of under the impression that one day Andy just emerged out of Judy’s head Athena style fully formed… (I still believe this)
Retired at 14. It sounds a little strange and sometimes I still miss that feeling of being a part of a team, because tennis can be a lonely sport at times although I do try to play a bit of 5-a-side now and again. Having said that, my love of football allows me to keep in touch with my friends at home through the fantasy leagues. Every week you have something to banter about and I’m sure anyone who is involved in these types of competitions knows it can get pretty competitive.
This is why I’m proud to say that I’m the reigning champion in The League of Domination, a competition run by a few of my mates and other tennis players. Let’s hope that stirs them up by reading this!
However, my team this year is pretty ordinary and I’m sitting mid-table. I’ll make sure I get my name engraved on the trophy before I have to hand it back, but don’t think I’m giving up just yet.
I’m loving the basketball fantasy league at the moment as well. Because they play so many games in America, the team needs changing most nights. About the only player who is a guaranteed starter in my team is LeBron James, even though he has missed a few games recently with an ankle injury…
Of. Course. Why wouldn’t Andy Murray like LeBron?
As a sidenote: Oh my God, I think I’m falling asleep writing this entry. I swear, only Andy Murray could make tennis boring…I’m half expecting him to start chronicling his daily meals and how much he likes sushi…
THIS week I told you about choosing tennis over football as a teenager. But following that I also had another huge call to make, one that is a big reason why I am playing a third-round match at the Australian Open today.
Some of you probably know that Rafael Nadal and I have been competitors and good friends since our teenage years, but you may not realise he was a major influence in my decision to leave home at 15 to move to Spain.
As juniors, our countries used to play against each other in team competitions such as the European Winter Cup, though I never actually had to play him as I was a year younger and played No 2 for Britain while he led the Spanish team. But we weren’t holding tennis racquets when he said something that led to me moving to Barcelona.
Instead, we were part of a group of guys playing racquetball.
I was asking all the guys in this group who they were practising with and when Nadal said Carlos Moya, it was a big wake-up call.
Back home, because we never had the opportunity to play sport in school – something I think should change given there are great opportunities for people to make a living out of sport – I could only practise for 90 minutes, four days a week with my coach. Yet here was a rival hitting with one of the world’s best players and training four or five hours a day for five days a week.
Oh Andy, bless your heart, but no. That is…so wrong and kind of ignorant? I mean, yes, people can make a living out of sport, but exactly how many people do? It’s a bit foolish to think that because sport worked for you that it would work for everyone, especially since for every Andy Murray there is, there are about 100 failed careers. It seems much more practical to, you know, LEARN things in school so that you can actually have skills in the real world…Getting too serious up in here…
I realised I was not doing enough and knew I had to move. It wasn’t something I wanted to do and I knew it would be tough because my older brother, Jamie, had moved to an academy at Cambridge when he was 12 but it didn’t really work out for him. He got homesick and wanted to come home. I know my mum and dad were a bit worried about my decisions because they just wanted us to be happy, but after deciding I wanted to play tennis instead of football I needed to give it everything I had.
The hardest time was the first few meals I had when I arrived at the academy in Spain. It was a bit of a culture shock.
What, no haggis?
I knew only one other guy there – and not that well – so I was walking into the canteen and sitting down alone. And it wasn’t even great food. No paella unfortunately! We were just fed pasta and salads. The biggest change, though, was the time we would eat dinner and when we would go to bed. In the UK, most people have dinner at 6pm and I was used to going to bed about nine o’clock. In Spain, people don’t eat till then. It was all a bit different, but being able to do school and sport at the same time, instead of just school, was great for me.
lol
And….the rest was too boring for me to even cut and paste here. HE ACTUALLY STARTED LISTING THE FOOD HE ATE. COME ON, ANDY, GET IT TOGETHER.
Q&A:
BRITISH tennis player Andy Murray gets personal in Q and A time with Alex Kay from the Daily Mail. Who is your sporting hero?
I loved watching Andre Agassi play when I was a kid. Muhammad Ali was also an inspiration. I loved the way he stood up for what he believed.
What would you be if you weren’t a sportsman?
I’d definitely be involved in sport in some way or another, but I don’t think I’d be able to work in an office. I’d have to be outdoors doing something active.
Which other sportsman would you like to be?
Close call but either Lionel Messi or Usain Bolt. They are right at the pinnacle of their sports and the natural ability they have is frightening. You just know they love what they do.
Career highlight?
Winning my first tournament on the ATP Tour in San Jose when I was 18. It was a special moment and I remember it clearly, beating Lleyton Hewitt in the final.If your house was burning down, what one possession would you save?
I’ll have to have two — my girlfriend and my dog. One over each shoulder.
I swear to God, asking Andy to choose between Kim and Maggie would be like freaking Sophie’s choice.
Favourite karaoke song? Losing my Religion on SingStar. I’ve had plenty of attempts and most of them have been in tune!Three most listened-to songs on your ipod?
I accidentally ran into the sea with my iPod on after a training run in Miami and it hasn’t been the same since.
Um…….how exactly do you “accidentally” run into the sea? “Oh, that big blue expanse MUST BE A CONTINUATION OF LAND, LET ME RUN TOWARDS IT” Is something wrong with this kid?
Last film you saw?
Get Him to the Greek. It’s pretty average.Last book you read?
Would have to be a boxing magazine. I read them pretty regularly.
Not a book.
Favourite pre-match meal?
Pasta and tomato sauce.
Can you cook? Best dish ?
Anything you pour out of a jar on to pasta. While I’m away we tend to eat at restaurants rather than cook. Favourite spots tend to be Italian and sushi restaurants. I can eat unlimited amounts of spicy tuna!
Your favourite holiday destination?
The Bahamas are great. I love Miami too.
Yes, both are optimal locations to play PSP!
In a film of your life, who would you like to play you?
Sean Connery. He’s a great actor and starred in so many good films. I’ve met him at Wimbledon a few times over the years and he loves his tennis.
Wow….that is the most wishful thinking I’ve heard since Federer answered this question with “Brad Pitt.”
What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever bought?
A nice car, although I don’t get to drive that much. I managed to drive a few hundred miles this year, so the car has been looking good in the driveway.
Tell us a secret…
I’m addicted to fantasy football. I can’t stop tinkering with my team. I play in a league with a few other tennis players and a few mates. Last year I dominated the league from Christmas onwards and won it. This year hasn’t been all plain sailing. I’m mid-table but in touch with the chasing pack. It’s all about where you are at the end of the season though.
Worst. Secret. Ever. That’s like saying Saddam Hussein was a tyrant is a secret. Or that Jamie is Judy’s favorite is a secret.
Well, that’s that. The most boring series of interviews/diary entries the world has ever seen. Actually, now that I think on it, it was probably a good idea for me to post this after the final as I’m pretty sure you all would have definitely rooted against him…I feel so resentful right now….
Man, I can't believe he stole my outfit idea. Well, which one of us is going to change?
Well, hello. The Australian Open is finally upon us! You know, after that extremely protracted month-long wait. For those of us who live in the western hemisphere, this time of year is generally categorized by either a) extremely irregular sleep patterns in which health is put on the backburner or b) going to bed and waking to particularly epic (Nalby def. Hewitt) or particularly sad (Clijsters def. Safina) scorelines that a silly thing known as sleep deprived us of.
What else is the Australian Open known for? Alcohol, ethnic violence, and apparently, reporters being creeps:
‘Stalker’ quizzes Sharapova at Aussie Open
(AFP) – 3 days ago
MELBOURNE — Russian ace Maria Sharapova [ed. note: it's not 1980, please find a new way to describe tennis players] accused a New Zealand journalist of “stalking” her after he asked if she spent time with Anna Kournikova and frequented a club for “hot Russians”.
“You’re the guy from New Zealand, huh?” Sharapova said, when she recognised the male journalist from this month’s Auckland Classic. “Oh God, you’re stalking me!”
“It’s not stalking if you love someone,” the journalist said jokingly, to which Sharapova replied: “It can be slightly, trust me.”
The 23-year-old also fended off the reporter’s next question, asking whether there was a “hot Russians club where you get together”.
“No. I didn’t know I was part of it. But no,” she said.
I don’t know if Sharapova is just, like, NEW to the idea of press, but generally the same reporters do tend to show up at the same tournaments TO COVER THEM. You know, because sending like 20 different reporters to 20 different tournaments may just be a little impractical. On that note, if a journalist doing their job is considered stalking, why hasn’t Matt Cronin been ejected from every tournament ever? Dude doesn’t even do his job.
Actually, I bash her, but the truth is I’m pretty proud of her. She’s finally silenced all those critics who’ve called her aloof and cold by totally showing them that she remembers the LITTLE PEOPLE. I mean, okay, never mind this guy is a journalist who’s known for working with players during the Auckland tournament and who has probably been to the Australian Open press conferences dozens of times. BYGONES. She is super down to earth and we should all just be grateful that she even bothered to remember this guy. As Jenna Maroney so aptly puts it, “The four most vicious words you can say to a person you already met [are] ‘Nice to meet you.’” Sure, the five most vicious words after that are probably, “Oh God, you’re stalking me!” but whatever, baby steps.
While we’re on the topic of reporters being weird, here’s a little gem from Roger Federer’s press conference after his first round win over Lukas Lacko:
Q. How are the twins?
ROGER FEDERER: The twins are good. Thanks for asking.
Q. Are they showing any signs of good hand eye coordination at this stage?
ROGER FEDERER: I don’t know. Ask me next year when they’re a year older. Right now, they’re not playing that much with tennis racquets and stuff yet. They’re still a bit too young.
Hey, so I know that it’s sometimes hard to differentiate a professional question and answer session about a recently finished match from, say, afternoon tea with the girls from Sex and the City, but here’s a hint: if other people are asking questions about the ACTUAL MATCH maybe your questions about the Federer twins may just be slightly inappropriate.
And man, if I was Lukas Lacko, this would be my cue to start binge eating. I mean, you finally get a chance to play Roger Federer and try to put up a respectable showing against the guy but you get deemed so insignificant that reporters would rather ask questions about the guy’s one year old twins?! They don’t even have full mastery of their own bowel movements! At least you can generally control yours (okay, except for that one time in the second set when a little pee may have come out).
Here’s another classic q, probably from the same reporter, who, I’m assuming, was probably too busy learning how to tie his shoes than to actually bother watching the match:
Q. The YouTube video where you hit the bottle off the guy’s head, is that real?
ROGER FEDERER: Yeah, I did it twice, that’s why I wanted to make sure people knew it was real. A bit of help there, but… (smiling.)
Q. You’ve never done it before and got someone in the face?
ROGER FEDERER: Well, we couldn’t show those clips (smiling). Yeah, that’s about it. That’s all I’m going to say (laughter). Can’t say more.
Oh my God, I hate you and you can get out of my face.
—
To cleanse our palate from these completely asinine questions, here’s our daily Andy Murray Moment:
[from Roger Federer's 2010 Australian Open final press conference]
Q. Can you understand why Andy got emotional at the end? You’ve been through that yourself. You say it’s hard to win the first one. Can you appreciate why he felt as deflated as he did at the end?
…I don’t know if you ever heard me say, but the US Open is very loud, so you don’t maybe start thinking too much of, how did I play, am I disappointed. Here in Australia or Wimbledon, it’s very different. It’s very quiet. It’s very respectful. Standing ovation. It builds up in you as the trophy ceremony goes by.
I thought he was actually doing fine until he told me, I think there will be some tears. I’m like, Don’t worry, it will be all right. And he actually did…
LOLOLOLOLOL. HE KNEW THE TEARS WERE COMING. Probably from years of experience:
[during Marley & Me]:
Andy: Kim, I just want to warn you….I think there might be some tears.
[when the waiter at Nobu got his order wrong]
Andy: TAKE THIS BACK TO THE CHEF, OTHERWISE THERE ARE GOING TO BE TEARS!!!
[when he lost his Nintendo DS]
Andy: Mommmmm, I can’t go to Australia without my Nintendo!!
Judy: Andy, we can just buy you a new Nintendo.
Andy: BUT I WANT THAT ONE. I had finally collected the 16th badge to try and beat Pokemon Trainer Red!!! IF I CAN’T FIND MY NINTENDO, I’M GOING TO CRY
But I think the best part of this is the incredulous tone in what Federer says:
“I’m like, Don’t worry it will be all right because I didn’t think he would really cry but then…….he actually did……and I wanted to kill myself….I’m never doing that to Rafa again….”
"@andy_murray: @fantasyleague wont be giving it [Cincinnati trophy] to anyone its so bloody ugly 5:41 AM, Aug 22
@andy_murray: @benwinston hope than can pull through against udinese huge match! it is lovely! Thinking of giving it to my gran.... 5:56 AM, Aug 22"
About
Your Volleys Suck is a sometimes clever, sometimes cynical, sometimes embarrassing, usually satirical, and always sarcastic blog that comments on the ridiculous world of professional tennis. Read more about the YVS blog at the Info Page.
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